Welcome to the September 2005 issue of Compositions, James DeKoven's column about strategic copywriting. This time around:
-- The First Sentence
-- Broken Letters
-- Copy Lessons from a Shoe Repair Guy
-- -- Album of the Month

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The First Sentence
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Ever tried to write a sales letter? Chances are, you've probably struggled with the first sentence. It's the most challenging part.

That's because the beginning is also the most important part of the letter. A zinger first sentence immediately engages readers and drives them closer to a response. A dead opener takes the letter closer to the garbage can.
And the first sentence also sets up the rest of the letter: the argument, the points of persuasion, the offer and the call to action.

If you have a magic wand, skip to the next section of my column. Otherwise, try one of the strategies listed below for creating an attention-grabbing opening:

1) Try something shocking-not offensive or in bad taste-but something unexpected, a phrase that catches readers off-guard and makes them take notice. Like this opener for a mailer for an arts college:
"We're writing you because you're a failure."

This line works because it touches a raw nerve in the target audience, people who have always put off their artistic dreams. What kind of message will get your prosepects' attention?

2) Use a factual or newsworthy first sentence. This was used on a package targeting software developers:

"In 1982 the Supreme Court forced the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to change its position about software patents."

Factual statements give your letter an "objective" tone and seem more inviting. Since they're educational, they don't appear to launch the beginning of long sales pitch.

3) An oldie-but-goodie is The Teaser: let the reader know that he'll get valuable information if he keeps on reading. For example:

"If you thought that Vitamin C was the ultimate cold fighter, we're about to reveal new research that shows something more effective."

4) Begin with a quote, or anecdote, from someone the audience will recognize. People are more apt to listen to someone famous. This is from a subscription offer for a music magazine:

"Miles Davis said that there are only two kinds of music: good and bad."

5) Tell a story. Everyone wants to be entertained, emotionally moved, transformed by something universally human. This was written for an organization that raises money for Alzheimer's research:

"On a Wednesday morning last year, a man named Harry Walker left his home and never came back."

Don't you want to know Harry's story?

Another tip: Since the first sentence can be tough, work on it AFTER you've composed the rest of letter. It's just easier to match a first sentence with something you've already written. This method also allows you to be more creative and prevents you from spending five hours trying to come up with the perfect opener.

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Broken Letters
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Despite all of the fancy direct mail options available these days, simple 1-2 page sales letters can generate a higher than average response rate. It's a pity that companies often drop the entire idea because of a single failure. A few tweaks can transform a dud into a dealmaker.

Sure, response is based - in order of priority - on the accuracy of the mailing list, then the offer, and then the creative. But other elements can affect the success of your campaign.

Recently, a small professional services firm came to me, asking if I could help them generate leads. When I brought up the idea of direct mail, they said forget it. "It doesn't work for us. Never has. We sent out 500 pieces last quarter and didn't get a single response."

I reviewed their marketing plan and the letter was a pretty good match. Everything seemed on strategy. But I recognized others areas that could increase response:

1) Eliminate the headline and begin with a standard greeting. The headline had so much hype, I'm sure no one was even getting to the first sentence.

2)Increase the font size from 8 to 12 point.

3) Break up the copy with more subheads, bullets, bold phrases, and smaller paragraphs, which made the letter easier to read.
v4)Hand address the envelopes (instead of using a printed label) and use a "live stamp" (an actual stamp) as opposed to metered mail.

We mailed 100 of the revised letters. We got seven responses. Four turned into customers, which my client estimates will generate approximately $172,000 in revenue. Not bad for $11.10 in stamps- and all without doing a major re-write!

The lesson? Don't give up on what appears to be a complete failure. A handful of easy changes can turn things around - into dollars.
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Copy Lessons from a Shoe Repair Guy
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When it comes to caring for my shoes, I'm as meticulous as a construction worker. So it's kind of remarkable that last week I tried to clean a pair of dirty and scuffed brown leather shoes.

I stopped by the local shoe repair shop to get some advice. Ed, the owner, didn't push a product to make a quick sale or attempt to get rid of a guy who was asking a lot of stupid questions (which I was).

With the type of gentlemanly charm that seems to flow from another era, he described why one product works on suede, why another works on leather, how different materials breathe differently to produce different results, why certain stains would come out and why other ones won't.

Over and over he said, "I just want you to have the information so you can feel more comfortable about your decision." He smiled a lot too.

Rather than selling, he educated me, explaining the pros and cons of each option and recommending a course of action based on my needs. He even suggested the possibility that NONE of the options would work.

No, Ed isn't a copywriter, but we can learn a lot from his selling style. By giving me facts rather than obvious spin, I was more compelled to buy. And his straight talk made it likely that I'll visit his shop again.

By the way, the shoes are doing a whole lot better.
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Album of the Month
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I always get accused of never listening to anything "new." Okay, there might be some truth to that allegation. But on a recent trip to Portland, a friend and I drove around listening to Damien Rice's "O" album over and over. He does the classic singer/songwriter thing, but with an Irish/folk twist. Rice's moody and thoughtful music will be good for watching the leaves drop off the trees this fall.


Until next time,

James